I don't know how I can explain myself to anybody. My moods cruelly fluctuate and leave confusion in their absense.

I hate feeling like an invalid.

I can not talk to any body I do not have the words to communicate and they do not have the ears to listen. I can not express myself I am locked in. I can not counsel myself: I shake violently in my head and scream, I see my body in front of me and I mourn while I destroy it, I can not help the fluctuation and I can not achieve either goal. I must pass out I must lose consciousness I must forget what I have learnt I do not want to think or remember any more! Why could I not kill myself when I was younger before I had developed moral responsibility?

I want to reduce reality to a construction, the people around me to dolls that do not matter, just giant walking dolls. They are not real. If I can do that I can forget about them and have peace, I can do what I want. They are no different form the dimensions I can not see

I am scared so terrified. The world and everyone in it keeps tricking me into staying in it and with them, they tell me its not so bad that all is retrievable that good times are to be had. But it never changes, everything that is bad is judge waiting for me in my mind, I know that it will come out and get me and smother me. Why does everyone insist that I wait for this! Why are they so cruel! They are lying to me they are tricking me I can not reach them they dance around me as if they are there but I know that they are not. I am sick of trying so desperately to have a connection with anybody and everybody, dead people.

 

Why do I mourn myself!!! Why do we continue to be so hurt when we know the truth, why should I be upset now, why should tears come to my eyes if nothing is real.  Why should I feel shame and failure if I am not real. Makes no sence. I am exhausted but I am too scared to rest.

I feel like I have fallen and am just waiting to hit the ground. I can not have hope when I see only my impact awaiting me.