What am I to do! I am so lonely, and oh so more lonely now I have no god!
I must admit what I think and what I must think is that there is nothing. There can only be nothing! Look at everything around us, there must be nothing! the tremendous mistakes and the infinite pain. I cry inside as I say these because I miss my God, my friend my protection, I feel so isolated and afar from the multitudes that believe but as much as it crushes me I must no longer believe!
I can not fully suspend, it is too difficult. I am weak. I am barely sane. How those first world intellectuals embrace nothingness (many are my friends, make up my demographic) as I sort of liberation! I do not know! I am crushed and hurt and feel that nothing is sacred and nothing is pure and nothing is good OR bad. The man I know is not good enough to decide which is which! The man I know is petty and selfish and childish, not evil but wholly inept. There is nothing. no feelings. everything that is will so soon be gone it is nothing at all. Oh I dream for a God to hold my hand. Or even just the promise of some sort of, non-arbitrariness, would be enough to comfort.
Or am I to surmise a malevolent God? A truly harsh and unrelenting God, Old Testament style?
But how to I reconcile the millenia of paganism and multitheism? the feelings of supernatural and superstition? is there nothing? is there just our ever expanding imagination? ARE WE SO MENTALLY REPRIEVED THAT IT HAS ALL BEEN MADE UP?
OH the nothingness it hurts and it eats away at me, it pits my soul with burning coals that I can not feel! I would rather cease than face this! If only I would cease!