Suicidal

suicidal suicidal on New Years. Nooooo surprise there, happens every year.

BUUT this would only be the second occurence of such thoughts since I started antidepressants... DUN DUN DUN

Surviving Atheism

What am I to do! I am so lonely, and oh so more lonely now I have no god!

I must admit what I think and what I must think is that there is nothing. There can only be nothing! Look at everything around us, there must be nothing! the tremendous mistakes and the infinite pain. I cry inside as I say these because I miss my God, my friend my protection, I feel so isolated and afar from the multitudes that believe but as much as it crushes me I must no longer believe!

I can not fully suspend, it is too difficult. I am weak. I am barely sane. How those first world intellectuals embrace nothingness (many are my friends, make up my demographic) as I sort of liberation! I do not know! I am crushed and hurt and feel that nothing is sacred and nothing is pure and nothing is good OR bad. The man I know is not good enough to decide which is which! The man I know is petty and selfish and childish, not evil but wholly inept. There is nothing. no feelings. everything that is will so soon be gone it is nothing at all. Oh I dream for a God to hold my hand. Or even just the promise of some sort of, non-arbitrariness, would be enough to comfort.

Or am I to surmise a malevolent God? A truly harsh and unrelenting God, Old Testament style?
But how to I reconcile the millenia of paganism and multitheism? the feelings of supernatural and superstition? is there nothing? is there just our ever expanding imagination? ARE WE SO MENTALLY REPRIEVED THAT IT HAS ALL BEEN MADE UP?

OH the nothingness it hurts and it eats away at me, it pits my soul with burning coals that I can not feel! I would rather cease than face this! If only I would cease!

Fear at bedtime

Absolute impending feeling of terror, terror of inevitable loneliness and ennui, despair at the promised unsatisfying spentness when I awake, the unsatisfying dreams where I wander and run but never reach, where my wishes appear in front of my in cruel crude distortions, mocking my desire.

I sleep by myself more alone than I could ever be. I will awake with the pain of my reality and the raw hurt of failed dreams. My nightly trepidation. Oh I wish I was exhausted and would collaspe instead. I wish my dreams would not taunt me. I wish I could tip out my mind and pick and choose what to refill it with, but it is filled with my terrors which infect any new memories I try to create.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I need to calm down.

It is so hard to have aspirations when you still feel hurt over your mistakes and failures. It feels like someone has died when yoou have failed something. Each day you wake up and you begin to do what you do. The moment you have a thought about the future, about that afternoon or the next five years, your heart breaks as you remember what you have done.

Slept in today. Wasted time and wasted dreams. I dreamt of zombies. Not nightmares, or at least the traditional kind. The thing that tru;y scares me about zombies is that anxiety they bring, easy to deal with but requiring constant vigilance. So exhausting. I should just let myself get eaten and stop trying to secure the perimeter.

Rainy, shit weather. Weather so bad you can't find solace inside or out. Time-wasting weather where you play video games you do not really enjoy, where you hang around your family but you do not do anything intimate with each other.

Horribly upset at work. Angry at bosses who have fucked me around all week. so hurt and upset if anybody had spoken to me i would have cracked up. Walked around with an inane smile on myself for the customers. And then, after talking, i felt better. I felt good. I walked out of work with a smile on my face and my problems feeling negligible.

Unable to live or die

Every day people perform herculean tasks, everyday they invest and put effort into life and with just as much vigour people end their lives. With conviction, resolute and without thinking, they commit to their decisions. They decide to live or they decide to die.

Why can I not make the same commitment? Am I a coward, unable or too scared to decide? I flounder pathetically and painfully between life and death. I never desire either without longing desperately for another. I am stuck in limbo I am a fish out of water, jerking and drowning. But I can't seem to drown even though I can't breath. And, try as I might, I can't get back to the water.

Help me I am drowning silently but the noise in my head gets louder and louder.

68.4 kgs

No more Tv. And no more food. Will these things help?

How disagreeable this will be to the world! The two things that bring us together most! Grilled cheese and XFactor. Chocolate Pudding and Homeland. What a noble people we are!

I hate how I fluctuate. There is no guilt like that of the sick, who must constantly check themselves.

God all of the work I put in. All of the mental energy to puch myself, all of the times I believed it would pay of, it would be worth it. To think it was all lies!  how quickly now has come, did I already know it was a lie?

My dad said what I knew he would say.

What am I to do now? It makes no sense that I have no time and then have so much time what am  I to do with this time! do i try and retrieve everything?

I instinctually try and occupy myself with what needs to be done, but does it STILL need to be done?

OOHHH but now I feel so hungry. and I can not present myself to my father! he would be so confused. 'What is wrong' he would say

if only i could start again, I could plan.

I get scared

I get scaredd really really scared when I have assignments due. Anxiety and all that if I think about it my breathing gets tough and I can feel everything encroaching on me phsycially like a slow wash of tension flooding over me. So I run away from the thought. How does anyboy does this it is so terrifying when everything seems to be a vital building block in a giant tower of Jenga and if you mess it up everything will come tumbling down and you will never be able to build it up again.

Step 1: I have to hang on to what I know is good. I have to admit that I am not going to get this essay done. I am going to hand it in late. Again. I have to admit that and be calm with that... I have just said that to my webcam. Is that enough? I am going to breath for a while and repeat these thoughts:L
1. the late penalty will marginally affect my assignment.
2. the extra time will mean I can sleep tonight (i cross this out, it really is of no comfort)
3. the extra time means I will write a great assignment.
4. who cares if anybody else disapproves. people do things their own way to their own capabilities, and no other motherfucker had to contend with working 16 hours over the last week, a migraine, reciting rape trauma, and working on an extra university paper.
5. and, so as to not digress from the last point, this is the right thing for me, myself to do right now.

And after doing this, I am hopeful that I feel no shame

Step 2: I have to list what I need to do. I am trying to allocate time. I am trying to colour code. I am trying not to panic.

The only thing I can hope for is that I learn!

Does anybody get suicidal when they have assignments due?

I do not mean in a melodramatic Lucretian way, I mean that mentally, suicide begins to shed its skin of inappropriate wrongness, disgrace, shame and tragedy. It emerges a neutral specimen of unoffensive cool blue to a soundtrack of the XX. It sits just behind you. The more futile your work seems the more you turn around to look at it, and the louder the music becomes.

Fuck you suicide. Fuck you for not being available to me. You are a lie that I cant stop being told to me, that I cant stop hearing.

It sucks. If I listen to you long enough I become painfully split between your world and the 'real' one. It really hurts. You are irreconcilable.

I don't know how I can explain myself to anybody. My moods cruelly fluctuate and leave confusion in their absense.

I hate feeling like an invalid.

I can not talk to any body I do not have the words to communicate and they do not have the ears to listen. I can not express myself I am locked in. I can not counsel myself: I shake violently in my head and scream, I see my body in front of me and I mourn while I destroy it, I can not help the fluctuation and I can not achieve either goal. I must pass out I must lose consciousness I must forget what I have learnt I do not want to think or remember any more! Why could I not kill myself when I was younger before I had developed moral responsibility?

I want to reduce reality to a construction, the people around me to dolls that do not matter, just giant walking dolls. They are not real. If I can do that I can forget about them and have peace, I can do what I want. They are no different form the dimensions I can not see

I am scared so terrified. The world and everyone in it keeps tricking me into staying in it and with them, they tell me its not so bad that all is retrievable that good times are to be had. But it never changes, everything that is bad is judge waiting for me in my mind, I know that it will come out and get me and smother me. Why does everyone insist that I wait for this! Why are they so cruel! They are lying to me they are tricking me I can not reach them they dance around me as if they are there but I know that they are not. I am sick of trying so desperately to have a connection with anybody and everybody, dead people.

 

Why do I mourn myself!!! Why do we continue to be so hurt when we know the truth, why should I be upset now, why should tears come to my eyes if nothing is real.  Why should I feel shame and failure if I am not real. Makes no sence. I am exhausted but I am too scared to rest.

I feel like I have fallen and am just waiting to hit the ground. I can not have hope when I see only my impact awaiting me.