Sunday, 7 October 2012

I get scared

I get scaredd really really scared when I have assignments due. Anxiety and all that if I think about it my breathing gets tough and I can feel everything encroaching on me phsycially like a slow wash of tension flooding over me. So I run away from the thought. How does anyboy does this it is so terrifying when everything seems to be a vital building block in a giant tower of Jenga and if you mess it up everything will come tumbling down and you will never be able to build it up again.

Step 1: I have to hang on to what I know is good. I have to admit that I am not going to get this essay done. I am going to hand it in late. Again. I have to admit that and be calm with that... I have just said that to my webcam. Is that enough? I am going to breath for a while and repeat these thoughts:L
1. the late penalty will marginally affect my assignment.
2. the extra time will mean I can sleep tonight (i cross this out, it really is of no comfort)
3. the extra time means I will write a great assignment.
4. who cares if anybody else disapproves. people do things their own way to their own capabilities, and no other motherfucker had to contend with working 16 hours over the last week, a migraine, reciting rape trauma, and working on an extra university paper.
5. and, so as to not digress from the last point, this is the right thing for me, myself to do right now.

And after doing this, I am hopeful that I feel no shame

Step 2: I have to list what I need to do. I am trying to allocate time. I am trying to colour code. I am trying not to panic.

The only thing I can hope for is that I learn!

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